Why we sit in circles

            I’ve talked about them enough on this blog, the point of introduction is not needed. I come from a home net of joy living, Jesus following, people loving people who have committed to the long haul with each other. When new people hang out with us- we do everything to give them the warmest welcome, as we know this place is a gift for sharing and not for keeping. I love people’s remarks about this little tribe of friends, because it makes my heart explode with gratitude and unbelief on how I get to be a part of such a life.

            A few people in recent years have had the same response to our people after a night of hanging out. This response has made me key into details about the whys and the how’s of our philosophy on friendship. The response has been something on the line of “Ya’ll just sit around in circles and talk. For hours. In a circle.” Although the first inclination is to explain that we are not a cult and we are actually pretty fun people, this comment is completely the truth about us.

            We sit in circles so that we can face each other. We can stare longingly into the journey that we each are on, and tell stories to make sense of how all our journeys are part of the bigger Journey. We sit in circles so no one is left out, no one has a bad seat in the house, so that no one can’t be heard. We sit in circles because every single one of our voices, new or old friends, are part of the Story- and we are all about telling our stories.

            Recently, we were all gathered at our main hub house after dinner to sit by the fire and soak up being under one roof. Of course, I was being aware of the circle making and everyone’s conversations. At one point in the night, I realized it was mostly side conversations brewing, as a circle in the corner was forming. Then others joined, then the rest joined, as mostly everyone was inched into a tiny circle in the corner. At an engagement party a few months ago, the same thing happened. Everyone in a circle, in chairs, on the floor, piled on the couch. No matter what, if its us, there is going to be a circle.

            What is profound about this is how hard we try to create meaning in lives. We host big events, make dinners, plan outings to see different places, take trips together, all sorts of things that are supposed to cause meaning. But, as much as we try to manage and manipulate the moment into something sacred, the most sacred is what happens when we aren’t trying. The sacred is what happens when we realize everything is sacred- and sitting in a circle telling stories, laughing at old stories, and walking through the joy and the hard of life is just as sacred as throwing a formal dinner party. If anything, it’s more.

            I am so thankful that we serve a God who decided to surround us with people who were dedicated to helping us see how important these friendships were and are. I am so thankful we know a God who has made circles around us, closely, weaving us into each other’s circles. I am so thankful that we all got thrown from the net into new circles, only to bring our circles together. I am the most thankful that the circle knows no end, that no matter the circumstance, the marriages, the international dreams, the law schools and the new jobs, our net won’t give up on the dream of the circle. And, with that, the long haul means doing it for eternity, and oh thank heavens there is no end to that circle either.

I just can't believe its about me.

            There comes a point where I have so much to say that I just don’t say it. That happens a lot actually, especially because I am “blessed” with the need to share every possible detail of every story that ever happens. That need, in and of itself, is enough to send me thanking Jesus that my friends and family are still around, as I usually take double the amount of time it would take to tell a story with an uncanny amount of details. That said- there are so many places I need to start scribbling down my life from these past three months. But, I’m trying to commit to shorter posts (thank you for reading my long winded posts in the past). So I’m going to try to sum up some major events in a few short blogs.

            With Easter just behind us, I’ll go ahead and attempt to fill you in on my heart. My heart is good. So, so good. Only good because Jesus is in it and His grace is immeasurably more than I ever deserve. This year has been just so sweet for my heart, and as we can never truly foresee what is down our paths, I could never ever foresee the growth I have experienced this year. Lucky for me, I’ve got a God who waits to do things in my life until the exact time I need it. Whether I like it or not, my control has nothing on His hands and the plans I make for myself or try to create really end up failing most of the time.

            At our all region Young Life conference this year (in street slang- #richmondwknd2k13) I found myself standing amongst 2,000 other Young Life leaders with mascara running to my chin and snot (sorry for the visuals) dropping to my shoes. The speaker, a YL staff person from NC, spent the whole weekend talking about re-joy. That we must re-find-joy in our lives to truly live under Gods mighty hand. That life without joy is nothing, and a life full of nothing is really quite empty. I don’t have a problem finding joy, typically. It is a gracious gift. Its something I’ve learn to choose- even when I don’t have to or really don’t want to- because this life is not my own and I never want to forget that. What I do have trouble with, however, is the immaculate gift of Jesus’ life and how he calls us to him.

You see, on the last morning, possibly due to lack of sleep and over stimulation, I found myself with the clenched heart, lump in throat, and tear glands on overdrive feeling. We were in a “so you want to go on Young Life staff” meeting and I was listening to words and advice I’ve now heard for the past 3 years in attending this meeting. But- Scott Hamilton, regional director for YL, reiterated the five words- “make sure you are called,” as he spoke to a room full of college students who were soon to be applying to YL staff. And that’s what set it off- the deep down feeling in my heart and soul that I am called. The fact alone that I am called to something- be it
Young Life or not- that He cares enough about me that He would make that clear, that’s enough to tug at my heart strings and let the tears begin. I tried to keep my cool, as the meeting was more on the professional side then the emotional side. But, I couldn’t help but ponder the weight the word called holds on my heart and mind. I just know we are all called in love- absolutely perfect love- to a path painted just for us.

Called as ever, I left that room wanting to quit school and go on staff right then and there. I walked into the big meeting room with all of my 2,000 other friends and got ready for the last session. The speaker got up to the front and started talking about the cross, the grace behind it, the forgiveness, willingness, and the joy Jesus took in taking away all the crap that separates us from God. Well, I’m not sure if those things are what the speaker said but that’s what I heard. I sat there, in utter disbelief that this was about me. I mean, I’ve heard this a million times- I’ve told high school girls about it one on one, I’ve talked about it in front of a group of rowdy high school kids. I know the words, I know the spoiler alert- but what was so different about it this time? The difference lies in fact that a few moments before, I had the sinking realization of the depths of a personal call from the Creator of the universe himself. In that call, which is so clear, I have made it about myself. I try to make it about myself every day. My walk with Jesus- about myself. My role as a Young Life leader- about myself. My role as a friend to many- about myself. Even my prayer life- about myself. The list continues on… These seemingly failures came shooting through my racing head and for what may have been one of the first times, my guilt turned into gratitude. In the past, I would’ve felt guilty about making it about myself and tried to fix things with my own hand. But, because of what He has molded my heart to become in this past year, I felt immense gratitude- that despite my large list of failures, he still calls me to Him. Can I ever live out a big enough thank you for the gift on the cross? I found myself in line for communion thinking I don’t even deserve to eat the crumbs off the table yet He has fed me food that will sustain me for life. I returned to my seat in that “its not cute anymore” state of crying, restating the words inside my head I cant believe he did it for me. My heart, so weary and worn, was overflowing with gratitude because He did it for me, Katie Randazzo, even when I continue to make it about myself. That He would never in His right mind stop calling me to His path- despite how much I try to make my own paths.

Oh, how much will I learn about grace before moments like this melt me from the inside out! I know grace- I know what it did and what it does but in that moment I felt the depths of it. I am so thankful for the grace displayed on that cross, that He didn’t do anything out of his own longing, but all to fulfill exactly what needed to happen. Oh, how thankful I am that that grace flows- and man, does it flow- freely and lively, so when I screw up and make things about myself, grace catches my heart before guilt and hatred does. My God, I know He was up there smiling, knowing that I was meant to hear the words that speaker said and be in a room of 2,000 other Young Life leaders who are called through grace to be in this together. My heart will never be the same after that day- and now it is my hope that my heart will never be the same after each day. That I would have ears to hear and eyes to see, all because grace paved away and Someone called me to it. 

21 gifts of 2012

This last year of my life, had I been the master planner, would have looked a lot differently than it did. I didnt know most of the things that happened were going to happen, and I couldn't have predicted the tremendous amount of growth I experienced. You see, thats why its not up to me. I could've painted the last year of my life with the best colors in my book, but it still doesn't even compare to what the real Painter paints when it is up to Him and not me. He showed me what His plan is like when I just sit back and let it unfold. At times, it wasnt the plan I would've chosen, but it was better in the end. I learned one huge lesson this year that I hope will play out in every next year of my life: the act of gratitude. I realized, through many circumstances, conversations, and a life-changing book, that gratitude makes everything enough, and the littlest things become huge gifts from a Father who knows and loves me immeasurably more than I know and love Him. In sequence with that theme, I must count my blessings over and over again. I am blown away by the gifts of this year, and looking through my obnoxious amount of pictures from all of 2012, it is hard to even narrow down the gifts to a few specific blessings. Bear with me as I try to recount the gifts and highlight a few.


1. I brought this year in with a huge gift. About 200 of my closest friends were in and out of my house last year on new years eve. I felt extremley loved and honored that people traveled, arranged, and showed up at my house to bring in a year of blessing with me.

Just a few of the many who rang in 2012 with me.

2. I learned a lot about celebrating people this year. That people are meant to be celebrated. We were created to be loved and to love and that means celebrating even the littlest things. I felt so celebrated and especially by friends who know me best. I am so blessed to be in a place where I am known and celebrated by people alongside me.

Celebrating Mary Dittmar day, 2012. 

3. People showed up. A lot. The beginning of this year was hard for me. Life isn't always easy even with a big and powerful God on your side. So many of my friends walked through dark and the light times with me. I am so thankful for the faithfulness I have experienced through friendships centered around the grace of Jesus. I could write a whole blog on everyone who showed up in the last year for me, but there would not be enough time to do it justice. 

Thankful for you, Karly, and how you 

have been my fan and showed up faithfully.

4. 2012 was home to sweet reunions  I am so thankful that people are put in my life for seasons but I am able to see them throughout difference seasons. Being a part of Young Life makes the world very small and connected, making these reunions simple and easy to come across. Blessed to see many friends from my summer staff in 2011 throughout 2012.

Summer staff of June 2011, 

you people will forever be a gift.

5. Speaking of renuions- what better way to reunite than at a baby shower! My sweet Young Life leader had a baby this year and that was one of the coolest things for me to experience. I saw her and her husband meet, fall in love, get married, and now there is another little human being who is half of Robert and half of Kristy. I was so touched and honored to meet this baby boy only hours after he was born, and to walk with Kristy through the thick and thin of welcoming another love into this world. I am encouraged that I still have great friendships with my Young Life leader and friends made in my high school club.

This woman has impacted so many lives

 and now she gets to be a real mom!

6. I lived on a hall with my best friends. I mean, how cool is that? Every time I think of the "flourth" I cant help but be amazed by the gift that it was. I expereicnced true community in the last year, and espescially on this hall with my friends. I was so blessed to have a built in family during the rollercoaster that is sophomore year of college. Walking through life with these brothers and sisters is something I never want to take for granted.

Whole flourth not pictured. 

I love these people and the life we share.

7. People let me tell you about my beeeessstt friends. These girls. Now known as the BGC, these friends are people who showed up constantly in 2012. Wrestling through a plan that is unexpected and not our own with these girls has been incredible. We have crossed paths for a divine reason and the way we do life together is nothing but a gift. I am so thankful to live with girls who know me, know each other and know the Lord. 

Thank you for always making me feel incredibly known, girls. 

8. Family. Duh. This year was home to some hilarious times with my little family. I am so blessed to come from people who love and support me, who love traditions, and who value laughter and love.

9. Sometimes when I think about it I still cannot believe I am a Young Life leader. This is the hardest, best, most rewarding, most draining, most suiting, most full call from the Lord I have ever had the opprotunity to answer. This last year was a roller coaster indeed, but I have never felt more blessed to be in the lives of high schoolers alongside this team. 

Thank you, team Tabb, for showing grace to me 

and to high schoolers with the ferver that you do.

10. A summer of simplicity. Probably one of the coolest lessons I could learn. I had huge plans for this summer, extravagant plans of doing big things with big names. However, God called me back to Arlington to be a nanny and well, as un-extravagant as that sounds, it was exactly what I needed. Duh, He knows me. Not many of my friends were home and I spent more time alone or sleeping than I have in the past 4 years of my life combined. The sweetest thing about slowing down was realizing that life is meant to be lived simply, simply lived. This summer I threw off many shackles that so easily entangle my life, and realized how basic and sweet my path could be.

Cheers to nights on the porch, 

a new found love for tea, and feet up on the table.

11. We all know that this girl loves being a Young Life leader. One of the sweetest parts of that call is a trip to summer camp. This week is prayerfully looked towards the whole year and it is one of the best weeks of my lives every time I go. This week in particular was nothing less than spectacular  Incredible conversations, laughter, and a great picture of the full-life we were all intended to live made this week with these girls a week that changed my heart forever. I am so blessed to walk through life with girls like these and because of this week, things will never be the same. 

You are loved far more than you will ever know, sweet girls.

12. Remember how I just talked about opportunities? This girl- the girl who loves comfort and staying still- was given chances to take huge risks. What is life without risk? Pretty boring. I've experienced a risk-less life and unless we step out of the boat, we will not learn how to lean on the Creator of risk. Its a risk in and of itself to give authority to an unseen God, and that is the best risk I was given to take. I am so thankful for the gift of risk this year, the gifts that came from risk, and the risks that came from gifts. Just a small little risk was a sweet adventure to West Virginia that resulted in some stories that will be told at weddings, I am sure.

Blessed to have friends to risk life with me.

13. The gift of a call- a phone call- from a family who just needed a part-time nanny. How I had no idea that these girls would change my life. It was such a gift to be a nanny this summer of 2012. I was so blessed to go through life with these two girls created for a joyful life. I learned so much by walking... or running... alongside these energy filled 6 and 10 year old girls, who were strangers in May and family in August. Thank you for an incredible job, Lewis family!

You are so loved and made for so much more. 

14. For the last three years a huge gift has been a trip to Little Gasperilla Island with dear friends. I have written many blog posts about this island, and it deserves many more. This island is a home of sorts- a home to rest, and a trip to the big house at the end of the island came at perfect time this year. I got to experience this piece of heaven with sisters who mean the world and more to me, and I got to meet new  friends-of-friends who love and care for my sweet sister-friends when I am not around. The Creator created this island so we could do nothing but run to Him while we are there, and that is exactly what we did.

I think heaven will look like this, with my beloved sisters by 

my side walking into the forever-sunset.

15. Many dear friends of mine got married in 2012. Three couples to be exact. This year was home to the first weddings of my friends, the first of many I hope! What a gift it was to me to see three testimonies to the Lords faithfulness in my friends life. I cant help but be joyful for the love in the bride-and-grooms eyes a the alter, and the sweat dropped on the dance floor after. 

Incredibly blessed to watch Sean and Emily fall in love this past year.

16. These friends. Oh, these friends. This new school year in the fall of 2012 started off on the right foot with many late nights of joy and long meaningful conversations. What a gift during that first week to have our new living room filled with friends who walk through life together, the good and bad, all in hopes of pointing each other towards the ultimate truth. I am so blessed to have people who know and get me!

I will choose sitting around a living room with these friends over anything. 

17. New freshmen at CNU. You know who you are. This room was the first freshmen fellowship of fall 2012 and my heart just jumps to think about all the new leaders that this class will bring out. Although our numbers dwindled down, the joy did not. I have experienced so much of the Fathers faithfulness through the freshman this year, and I am so thankful to have met new sisters and brothers to be a part of this sweet sweet CNU family. 

The next room of heroes.

18. I dont mean to be obsessed with being a Young Life leader or anything but... I am obsessed with being a Young Life leader. This year was home to so many rich friendships with high school girls, I can see them as nothing but an undeserved gift from a God who loves me and loves them more than they will ever know. These girls below are just a few of the girls I have gotten to walk with more and more in the last year. My life is so much fuller because of these friendships. I am so blessed to be their leader and friend. 

Thank you for letting me walk beside you girls. 

19. More and more adventures. I cant not write about the hurrication! Being evacuated is not convient but it is home to some of my favorite memories of college. I am so blessed that the Lord knows when we need memories and gives us opportunities to make those. I loved the week I got to spend with these girls (and more!) laughing and living and realizing how out of control of this world we really are.

May I never forget #hurrication2k12 

20. Speaking of not planning my year, I could have never envisioned or planned crossing this finish line! It was just a far off dream that became reality in 2012, as I trained, pushed, sweated, and endured the accomplishment that is a 13.1 mile race. This was one of the richest times of my life, where I experienced much celebration and encouragement from those around me. I wanted to race this race because I was sick of sitting around waiting for the right time to do things I wanted to do. This race taught me that goals can be easily met when you've got a big Friend on your side through it all.

Crossing that finish line was one of the biggest exhales of my life. 

21. This night. These people. This life. Just always a gift. As I wrote about in my last blog, this night was clearly a gift for the books. I was surrounded by so many people who have seen me through it all. So many people who are beautiful inside and out. So many joyful voices chattered at the dinner tables as we celebrated another year of life together and the gift of Christmas- that one birth changed all our lives and let us meet each other  This past year was a year of gifts, and my net is always a gift. I am so blessed to call so many of these brothers and sisters friends for so long. So blessed that I get to come home to insane community and so blessed that as we grow up and in some ways a part, we have a God who calls us together, may it be only once a year, to remember where we came from and how this home is not our real Home. 

Ya'll have brightened my life for so many years now, 

you are each a gift to me.

I mean, that does not even give this last year justice. This year I realized how life is just a series of gifts that we dont deserve, promises that are always met, and full of people who leave footprints on our life forever. I realized that life and life with Jesus is not as complicated as we make it, and its actually quite simple- to act justly, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. My God showed me how to walk alright- or should I say dance- and how to do it in a way I was least expecting, only to rely on Someone who was not myself or the friends around me. 2012 was a year of blessing to say the least, a roller coaster with a mighty random track, all coming together to harmonize into one big melody that I never wish to forget. I know I say it a lot, but I am so blessed God chose me to live the life I get to live. My only hope for 2013 is that I will not throw off the glasses of gratitude I was taught how to use, and that I will only walk closer with my Creator, love the created better, and take more and more risks. I cannot wait to see another song played out and another year of my life fearfully and wonderfully planned by a God who knows I love dancing with Him. 

The Net

After a year long dry spell on this blog- I am back! I have sat down to write this very post over 4 times, but here it is- finally completed to the best of my ability. Enjoy and welcome back!

Last night was special. It was just so sweet. Words are not enough to ever show how meaningful it was to be in the same house as people who have pushed each other, loved each other, laughed with each other, and have been present with each other for so long. Preparing for this dinner, Kristin and I would constantly pause in utter amazement of the life we have been given. A golden ticket, if you will, of life with Jesus and everyone in between. Stepping out of the planning-frenzy picture, I was able to stop and be overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of this community I have. It was hard to control my heart as we stood around the living room, lifting up a sweet prayer in thanks and gratitude for the gift of Jesus’ birth and this room of people that only exists because of that. I couldn’t help but open my eyes (oops, guilty- open eyed pray-er) and look around to the beauty that the Lord has put before us in each other. Both internally and externally (I mean, we looked GOOD all dressed up!) but in everything- a fine picture of the love of a Father, who started a good work in us and has not ever let us down. As Kristin and I talked late into the night the evening before the dinner, we couldn’t help but realize how big and special of a net the Lord has cast on us, and how our lives will never be the same.

If you know me, and maybe even if you don’t, perhaps you know about the gift I have at home. It’s a huge gift, a rare gift, and something I never want to take for granted. It’s a gift of a net, a true net. A net that is invisible, and was cast by our loving Savior so long ago. Perhaps you’re confused… let me clarify.

First, let me tell you about what this net is not. This net is not real- it is not a physical net that I have in my possession. This net is not free, it has cost much time and intention to maintain and pursue. This net is not something we take lightly. This net is not easily broken or snapped. This net is not hid, it is not hard to find. This net is not used for us alone. This net is not what saves us.

Now, let me tell you about what the net is. The net is a series of friendships, relationships, siblings, families, leaders, and random people we meet along the way. There is not a set number or name to the people within the net, it is always growing and infinitely wide- just like the love of the God who has given us this life with each other. This net started small, but the Lord kept sewing it- much to our liking. The net has grown, and it can only grown- it can never shrink, because once the net is cast on you- and you have experienced life within the net- things will never be the same. You see, the net is a network of friends who believe that we are called to love each other, in all walks and ways, as Jesus showed us so long ago. We believe in being each other’s biggest fans, even if we have just met. We believe that an important truth in this life is that Jesus has come to us to bring us life, and life to the full- and that should be shown in everything we do.

After high school graduation, it wasn’t scary to leave the net. Well, that’s a lie, it was terrifying- because the net is comfortable and reliable and I am known in my net. But, if you never leave the net- you never know the world. We all knew that we were called to take our net and cast it farther- which is why we spread across the states, making sure we doing what we are called to do and not what we feel comfortable doing. That first year away was hard but so so sweet. The original net thickened, we learned how to love each other despite physical distance, and we were still committed to being each others best friends. The best part about leaving the original net was that in this time, the net kept growing. When we come home on breaks, we introduce each other to our new nets- and our net just grows and grows.

The best part of this net is that it is cast by Someone out of this world, who has beautifully sewn our lives together for so long to create a colorful, full, meaningful picture of redemption grace and joy. He has changed our lives individually, but also through friendship with each other. This net is a gift from God, who sent his Son to show us how to live, and left us with His Spirit to help us weave together meaningful life day by day with each other.

As we all sat around a living room last night, dressed to a T, conversation buzzing and stomachs being filled, my heart was fuller than ever. Three years out of high school, where normally friendships from the previous life stage dwindle, we are still committed. Still committed to each other and to the Lord, and to everything that falls between that. I was so thankful that that room was full last night, of His presence and of faces- just thankful to be in a room together for at least one night. I was so thankful that there were new people surrounding the tables, significant others and roommates and friends. I was so thankful that I am known and loved, and have been for so long by these people. I am thankful for the men in that room (let me add, the ratio- 2:1 guy:girl) who have shown me how men should treat women for so long. I am so thankful that I get to come home to this- when many people do not. I am so thankful that so much of my life and dreams now have been spurred on by interactions I have had within this net. I am so thankful that our God did not give up on us- and that, after much time together, we have not given up on meeting with each other.

This net is a reason to why I do what I do. It’s why I took life with Christ seriously in the first place. Its why I am a Young Life leader- for perhaps I can help in some small way cast this vision for another generation. It’s why I went to school where I went to school. It is why I am constantly yearning for life outside of the life the world proposes- because I have tasted life and life to the full with this net.

I know I have written many blog posts about this very topic- but it is one of the most important things to me. Through this net, I know I am loved by my Father. This net was cast, very long ago, and has been in all of our plans since the beginning of our time. This net picks me up, holds me close, and does not let my feet leave solid ground. I hope, for as long as we live- that we will never, ever, ever stop loving the Lord first and each other second. For because of that first vision, our lives will never be the same.

This is some of my net. They are beautiful. 

I love this life and the lives it is made of.

What gives me life.

This is blogpost number three. And by that I mean that I have started this same post three different times. The first time I started writing it, I was on fall break. Sitting in my house, luckily with nothing to do, but I couldn’t think of a coherent post to actually publish on the Internet. The second blogpost, I am going to be honest, I probably fell asleep during. I just couldn’t get my words out and eventually got stuck and gave up. So, I’m going to finish this one. I hope.

Last time I wrote, I had just gotten back from a crazy hurricane break. Tabb was just starting school, and things were just getting into a slight swing. Now, the semester is winding down, YoungLife at Tabb is in full throttle, and life is moving way, way, way too quickly. I could never sum up what has happened, what I’ve learned, and how I’ve grown in one blogpost. And that is completely my fault, not writing for two months. It was my intention to write on here constantly, but then life came. And if there is one thing I have learned, it is that when life comes- don’t step back and ignore it. I kept wanting to write that I am sorry that I’ve been such a bad blogger but, for lack of a better phrase, I am sorry I’m not sorry. Life came and it was bigger than my blog, and that is my only excuse for not being on here.

I’ve felt more life this year that I’ve ever felt. I don’t ever think of life as boring, and I don’t usually slump in misery for days. But I’ve been stumped this year with the amount of life I’ve felt. What the heck does she mean by life? Well, I’ll tell you. This year, in particular, I’ve realized what it is to live as if my life isn’t mine. And it took some hard realization to actually realize that this was a problem in my life. I found myself on anxious rants about how I didn’t want to do stuff that made me uncomfortable. How I couldn’t do everything because I needed time to relax. How I was content where I was and did not want to move. A realization left my anxious heart right in it’s confused heart when God made it clear that this life is not my own, it never was, and it never will be. I can hear that phrase over and over again and pump my fist that I get to live like that. But when on earth was I actually going to live like that? When my words became actions, that is when it all made sense. I’m in no means saying I live my life selflessly every day. In fact, I still live for myself everyday. But, there comes a time when everyone has to grow up, put their big girl pants on, and do stuff that’s going to exhaust them. We’ve all got to do the things that are going to be uncomfortable, things that will seem fruitless and dumb. We’re going to have to step out and step back to realize where we get life, and how to live in the most life-giving way.

What did this mean in terms of this year? Well, in a big way, this changed my perception on contact work. In the beginning of the year, it was extremely uncomfortable for me to go to the school. I raged that it was a waste of my time, that kids were already gone before I could even walk in the school, and that I didn’t have time to drive a total of 30 minutes just to wave at a kid whose name I may or may not remember. Then, a wise soul said to me, get over yourself and just do it. “You have to.” She said, when there is an option of going or not going, count not going out. At first, I was mildly angry that this was the truth. Angry because I knew I would have to stop being such a baby and just go to the school throughout the week, even if it meant I only saw one kid. Then, the you have to turned into a this is a freaking privilege, why wouldn’t you? I get the privilege of entering the halls of Tabb. I get the privilege of knowing and loving high school girls. This is not a task, or a volunteer service: this is life. That I may consider it a privilege that I get to help high schoolers understand where to actually find life. That is why I needed to get over myself. Why do I have to show up? Because showing up is the gospel. Above all, showing up is what is different about YoungLife leaders. We show up when others don’t, and we show up when friends don’t expect us to. That’s what makes us disciples of the ultimate truth: showing up with Jesus Christ in our hearts. By all means, I never did not want to go to the school to see and love my friends at Tabb. I just didn’t want to be asked the question “what are you doing here.” I didn’t want to be uncomfortable and possibly forget that girls name. I didn’t want to get looked at or make weird comments on accident to the new girl in the halls. But, where is the fruit in staying away from being uncomfortable? Answer: no where. I had to get over myself and realize that the only way I was  going to share Jesus inside those school walls is by showing up. And by showing up, I was going to be uncomfortable. For about a millisecond. Seriously, what was wrong with me! I was such a baby. I am called to be uncomfortable. God will carry me. How come I couldn’t see that truth? I was blind to it, but now I am not. And going to the highschool, meeting new girls, getting excited hugs from ones I already know, and even getting to explain that I am just there hanging out, it all brings me life. High school kids bring me life. They take it out of me, but in that I can be refilled even more, over and over again. They bring me life that I wouldn’t have gotten by just sitting around and waiting to meet people when the time wasn’t uncomfortable. I want to be present. I want to be real. I want to be different. And the only way I can do that in the high school is forgetting about myself, and walking in there with a heart of my Fathers.

You know what else is weird about this year? I get up every morning… early. Clearly something is changing in my heart if that last statement is true. This is coming from the girl who complained about having an 11am class last semester. All this is coming from the girl who used to plan her day around getting up late. Nope, not anymore. I rise while my apartment is still dark inside. I plug in my soft, white Christmas lights around my room. I make my bed. I turn on the shower (because it takes about 10 minutes to heat up) and I pop in a coffee pod into the keurug. I shower, get dressed, and usually listen to some worship tunes throughout it to get my heart set right. Then, the biggest gift of my day. Time alone with Jesus. Quiet, calm, personal time in the word where I am the only one around. I know, I should’ve made this way more of a habit before. I would attempt to read my bible every day last year, but usually after lunch or in a free break between classes. Never early, no way Jose. But now, I look forward to this part of my day more than anything. That I can win myself to Jesus first. That is what brings me life. That every morning fulfills the promise of bringing me new mercies and word of His unfailing love, that is what brings me life. Its my time, sometimes the only part of my crazy day that is just for me. And I’ve learned so much from it. I’ve seen changes in my heart that I didn’t even know needed to change. I’ve seen a difference when I don’t get into the word and when I do. My heart is protected from the negativity and evil of this world when I do this before anything. I am calm, I am focused. Again, I’m not perfect, but I get to follow a perfect God who, by having this time every morning, I get to gaze longingly at, wishing that He would perfect me to be more like His son. I love this time; it is literally what gives me life (with the assistant of the coffee I mentioned). I have found my life to be so much more giving when I have this time before anything else. Understanding the promises that God has for me that day, before anything in the day has happened, that is what brings me life. Taking wisdom and truth from the person who gave His life up for me to find life, that is what brings me life. And getting time, alone, before others awake, to journal out my struggles, excitements, prayers and fears: that is what brings me life. I have seen it with not only my own eyes but I have seen it with my heart. Time with to understand, know, talk to, and listen to Jesus is the only thing that will give me the life I am looking for in that day.

I am also learning how much life I can find by being present. I’m not exactly good at this yet, but it is something I am working on. On my 20^th (weird) birthday, I spent some time reading through my old notebook from last year. I was so torn only a year ago. Broken in many places and working through a painful part of my sanctification, I was longing to be somewhere else. And as much as remembering that pain breaks my heart again, it also creates a surpassing joy about where I am now. And where I am now is not necessarily just my state of content with being at CNU. Where I am now is where my heart is, how I’ve moved on and grown, and how I’m learning such different, bigger things only in a year. I’m learning how to be here, and I prayed for so long that I would understand how to be here. I never want to be completely content, because if I was completely content, my faith would be stagnant and my life would be still. But, I am learning how to be where I am, in my relationship with God and physically at CNU. I know I’ve written about it may a times before, but clearly it is clear that it is just a reoccurring theme in my story. I yearn to be available and not thinking about where I could be or what I could be doing. I want to be thinking about what is going on in the moment, not how I could be somewhere else or doing something else. I’m not the best at this, but I’m working on it. One way I can see this working out is that I’ve been able to stay at CNU and only go home for fall break. Last time I went home about five times first semester. This time? Twice. That is ludicrous for this homebody mamas girl, but it happened. And it has allowed me to be way more content with being present here. It has also allowed me to see that if God is going to change my location, He is going to  change my heart to be in that location. That my desires become His, and His desires become mine. I’ve been carried through that truth. I’ve learned what that means by being present. I’ve found so much more life by being completely where I am, spiritually and physically.

            I don’t even know if those made sense. It doesn’t even sum up my year so far, or do it justice. I guess that is the penalty I have to pay for not keeping my blog updated. But, I guess above all, this is what I want to say: It is my privilege to live my life. Nothing I am doing is being forced on me. Right now, I do not have to do anything that doesn’t give me life. I hope, for as long as I live, that last statement stays true. I am given life because someone else gave up His life for me. Someone planed my life out to be fruitful and giving, not dead and boring. Someone, my heavenly Father, knew I’d understand how to live a giving-life with Him, and knew that it would be quite the journey to get there. I don’t care what the journeys looked like right now. How many times I’ve thought I could find life doing other things. All I care about is that right now, in this present moment, I am experiencing the most life. Daily. And I can owe that all to the One above me, giving me the daily gift of a life with Him. 

Carried.

            Warning: the coherency of this post could be off. Despite the fact that I, for the first time in 3 weeks, got 9 hours of sleep last night, I am still a little tired college girl waiting for my laundry to be done on the big blue couch in our apartment’s living room. Last time I wrote I was still immersed in the short days and long nights of the sweet sweet summer. But now, as you probably have assumed, I am back to my becoming-more-like-home-home in good ol’ Newport News, VA, and ain’t it sweet.

            I can’t get over this summer. How much of a blessing it was, the sweet trips God planned for me to take, and the lessons he planned for me to learn on the way. It was just… such a gift. It’s hard for me to even fathom that I got to experience such an extended time of pure sweetness. Everything was just so perfectly timed, but duh- He does that for me every day. I love that He wanted me right where I was and He could teach me and give me so much in every place I got to go. It just makes me want to fist-pump just thinking about it. I love that I would become so at peace about moving onto the next thing this summer. I love that plans fell into place like a puzzle, trips just missing overlapping by a day in-between. And I love knowing that if it had been up to me, I couldn’t have dared planned a summer so perfect and giving, and clearly my four months away from home were planned by the ultimate planner. And clearly, He carried me through those times so I could fix my eyes above and not in front, to clearly see the beauty of the now.

            So, summer ended. And that is never a very happy thing to say. But this time, for once, I was ready. Weird, me, the homebody girl ready to leave home? I mean, of course I wasn’t ready to leave my parents- or my cat- but I was ready for the next one, a theme of my summer, and hopefully my life. Being one of the last ones to leave made leaving not as hard. And although my heartstrings pulled tight when saying goodbye to the people I spent the most time with, I knew that I would be able to pick up those friendships right where I left them when we returned once again. Anyways, I packed up and shipped off, and the butterflies and sleepless night before I leave sleep didn’t happen, which told me that I never need to be anxious about anything because He’ll carry me along no matter what.

            I filled my walls with pictures of those people I wont see for a while and those I see everyday. With verses that carry me through the day and with snippets of my life. Most of the pictures are from my summer and last year, so when the memories of those times get rusty in my head, the pictures will still be as bright as the day I took them. I like looking at the people I love most whenever I’m in there, a constant reminder of His unending and unfailing blessings and promises in my life. We got the rest of our apartment situated and figured out and were finally settled when Irene came crashing down.

            By crashing down I mean crashing my Internet with the CNUalerts and weather reports and emails about the potential monster coming our way. So, as they should’ve, CNU evacuated school for a few days and before the night was over, I was out of there. The sense of adventure in me (not known for my adventurous side so I don’t know what got into me!) kicked in as the feeling of angst that I wouldn’t get to be at my school for the first weekend faded. And boy, was it an adventure. With a 24 hour time period of some of the craziest times, including a huge dance party resulting in a potential ankle breaking of a friend, I cant even recap or tell the stories without hurting myself laughing. I just know God was up there laughing, too, knowing how we were going to all tell the stories from that weekend for years to come. And as the storm grew closer, the southern-coast girl in me got anxious and fleeted home from adventure, to be in the safe abode of my northern Virginia home. And of course, my friends tagged along, to add onto the stories and brave out the hurricane that was actually only a thunderstorm in NoVA with me. As much as I hated to leave this place a week after I got here, I needed that hurricane break. I needed a crazy 24 hours with copious amounts of stories and laughs. And I needed to go back home, to be able to rest and to be reminded that it was okay to leave. So, despite my initial angst and worries about leaving NN a week after I got there, He carried me all across Virginia to put me right where I needed to be when I needed to be there to fully soak in His glorious plan.

            School is back in full swing, now. Not only my school work, but now Tabb is back in session, meaning my schedule just filled up and I get to go back to doing what I love- getting to be in high school girls lives. And what a privilege that is. My classes are great and my schedule is fitting after many hours of contemplation and rearranging during that blessing of add-drop time. Where I live? Oh, it’s the best. I’m in an apartment with some of my closest girl friends and on a hall with a lot of my closest friends here. It’s a great place to be, where I can both pour out and be filled up- come to find fun and come to find rest. It’s been such a blessing for the few weeks I’ve been here, I can only imagine the gift that it will have been by the end.

            And now I am finally here for good, hopefully not being evacuated. My biggest concern these past few weeks have been that I may get in a valley here at school after my spiritual mountaintops this summer. That I may end up in a dry spell or a stagnant time in my faith after such a high. And in that worry? Well, duh, He spoke truth. I had to step back to realize how He will carry me in my valleys if He has me in valleys. And He will carry me on the mountaintops when I’m on mountaintops. And He’ll carry me in the in-between, because that’s what He does. It’s His job, His salary- my life, His hours- 24/7, baby, and ain’t that sweet! All He wants is for me to follow in His footsteps and let Him carry me- that sometimes is the hardest part. But, I’m being carried whether I know it at the time or not, and the fact that God knows my heart, anyone’s heart, isn’t buff enough to carry the world on it, that’s comfort right there. No matter where this year is going to take me, what swerves or turns I will encounter in my path, what mountains and what valleys, I am most definitely not doing it alone. I’m carried by the Creator of the stars and the moon, and pushed along by the people He has provided for me along the way. And, incase you were wondering, the view from here, the mountaintop and the shoulders of my Father, it’s a great view; one I never want to lose sight of. 

The Island Life.

"I wanna sunbathe, in a place where I can feel His rays, with my arms out wide, so I can feel His glory."- Carly Faye

My travels are over. My running around with my head cut off during the 24-hours in between trips is over. My break, well, its almost over, but hopefully I can milk these last 12 days to feel like 20. What an insane summer for me. I usually spend a large amount of my summer sitting around at home, which isn’t bad, a little rest never hurt this busy body. But this summer, I was given a huge gift of 4 different trips, making my summer rich and beautiful and full of growth and rest. Clearly, they were gifts from God, because if you know me, you know im not a friend to travel. This home-body girl would be content staying put for months at a time. All the trips were so different. First, traveling to Saranac to work for a month. Then, to Emerald Isle, NC, with my family. Off to a wild and crazy week at Rockbridge with my YoungLife girls. Then, a beautiful exhale with a few of my closest girl friends to a seven mile island off the coast of Florida. I know I haven’t written about my family vacation or YoungLife camp, that can come later. I want to try to piece together the last 10 days while they are still fresh and vivid in my mind.

I had the privilege of going to this island last summer, too. With 14 of my closest friends that time. Girls and guys, with a 20 hour, 15-passenger van ride and a week of cloudy skies that provided much needed conversation and full life. It was great, the best way to send off my high school years. Then, came this year. My friend’s family owns a house on the island, which is why we get to keep going back. The house has one purpose: to be a house of blessing. We wanted to go back with the same group, but we felt it was better this year to take a different route. So, only 6 of my closest girlfriends flew (PTL) down this year for a 10 day adventure also known as girls week. We were blessed to be joined by two of our leaders from the youth group we were all involved in senior year fly down for our final days on the island. Their presence made the trip even richer and it was so great to have them there.

You see, this week was just so necessary. Each one of us had gone different ways this year. We colored the map of Virginia, Florida, South Carolina, Pennsylvania, and Utah and didn’t get to see each other but a few times this school year. We had kept in touch, but not the in-depth touch that we had with each other senior year.

The island is beautiful. There is really no way around not using that word. The house is facing the bay and a quick walk on a path from the back of the house through a swampy, green, vivid boardwalk to the crystal clear ocean. The trees seem to all be painted a vibrant green, and fish jump in and out of the bay day and night. The sunsets scream creation with bright orange streaks meeting baby blue skies. It’s hard not to see Gods artwork on this island. It is literally all around. You couldn’t even miss it if you were blind. You can hear the waves roaring from the bay, and the birds and bugs chirping during the night. He is all around and there is no way around that.

This island proves to be the perfect place to get away. There is no easy way to leave, to run away back into the busy life that glitters every street. You have to take a boat in and there are no cars or establishments. Once you get on the island, He sits you down in a real way and says “Stay for a while, my child, breathe in my presence.” And isn’t that a beautiful thing. With a group of girls that had been going a mile a minute all school year and summer, that is exactly what we needed. And with a group of sisters who had all grown through Him in huge, unexpected ways, that is exactly what we needed. And for a group of sisters who knows my heart, and my Fathers heart, that is exactly what I needed.

Days are short and nights are long. We didn’t set one alarm, and if we did, we sure couldn’t hear it. We woke up on our own pace, letting the sunlight seep through the French doors of the loft where we all (yes all 6 of us) slept every night. We would venture down to the beach and float in the light waves and baby blue waters, then lay and bask in the sunrays. We would talk, we would laugh, but most importantly, we would breathe. There was no schedule or pressure, nothing to do and nowhere to be, a concept that is foreign to us otherwise.

Every night we would go back out to the ocean after showering and napping. We would cast our eyes to the horizon to watch the flaming light show that our God painted for us each night. The oranges would start, and mix with the blues, to make the ending result of pinks and purple. It would have us silent then screaming, proclaiming our love for our Heavenly Father the artist painting a sky just for us to gaze in wonder and amazement at. Then, we would venture in and have a late dinner. Sit around one big table and talk about our lives, past and present. We would sit there with our food for what seemed like hours, listening to eachother, living together, being weird together and being real together. Then we would clear the table and bring out our beaten and scratched up bibles that traveled long and far with us this past year. We would all get into the word together, or just talk about real things. Like how much our Father loves us and how His presence is our good. And it was so raw and real and beautiful every night. The fellowship that I have between these girls is heaven-bound and I learn and understand so much just by listening to them.

The final night on the island was the most beautiful. I got to see two of my closest sisters get baptized in the light blue ocean under the bright orange sun-setting sky. I got to listen to them profess their faith, and remind us what it took to get them where they were. I got to see them get dunked into the ocean by our two leaders, two people who had aided in their journey to Him. I got to hug them, soaking wet, tears streaming down my eyes and ocean water dripping from my dress. And then, I got to run into the ocean with them, and everyone else, to bask in what seemed to be an extension of the sunset into the water. And to bask in what was obviously Gods treat to us, a wonderful display of redemption and beauty on that warm august night. We all went back and shared our stories, just to be remind of where are and where we’ve come from. It was a heart-wrenching time. Quick spurts of laughter broke the streams of tears from us, realizing how raw and broken we once were, and how full and whole we are now.

One thing sticks out between all of our stories: we were made to be in relationship with each other. We were made to find each other at the time we did. We were made to have the unforeseen fellowship we did. All of our stories lead to Him, and all of our stories intercept at one part: each other. It was comforting to be reminded how much we all have meant to one another. It was divine hearing everyone mention our group of friends in their story. Not one girl neglected to mention that we had been lead closer to Christ through our community, that we see Him in each other every day, and that we wouldn’t be where we are without each other.

We would end our night in different ways, movies, dance parties, star-gazing and golf-cart riding. No matter what we did, no matter how much sun I had gotten, I would always lay in my bed at night thanking my God for these girls. It makes me choke up to even begin to described how blessed I am to have these girls in my life. Girls that will not only watch me dance with Him, but who will dance along side me with Him, in the beautiful lives He has given us here on this earth, in full hope of the mysterious life left ahead of us. If there is one thing I know for certain about this world it is that He, my God, He has created us to be along side each other, searching for Him in the dark, and dancing with Him in the light.