Why we sit in circles

            I’ve talked about them enough on this blog, the point of introduction is not needed. I come from a home net of joy living, Jesus following, people loving people who have committed to the long haul with each other. When new people hang out with us- we do everything to give them the warmest welcome, as we know this place is a gift for sharing and not for keeping. I love people’s remarks about this little tribe of friends, because it makes my heart explode with gratitude and unbelief on how I get to be a part of such a life.

            A few people in recent years have had the same response to our people after a night of hanging out. This response has made me key into details about the whys and the how’s of our philosophy on friendship. The response has been something on the line of “Ya’ll just sit around in circles and talk. For hours. In a circle.” Although the first inclination is to explain that we are not a cult and we are actually pretty fun people, this comment is completely the truth about us.

            We sit in circles so that we can face each other. We can stare longingly into the journey that we each are on, and tell stories to make sense of how all our journeys are part of the bigger Journey. We sit in circles so no one is left out, no one has a bad seat in the house, so that no one can’t be heard. We sit in circles because every single one of our voices, new or old friends, are part of the Story- and we are all about telling our stories.

            Recently, we were all gathered at our main hub house after dinner to sit by the fire and soak up being under one roof. Of course, I was being aware of the circle making and everyone’s conversations. At one point in the night, I realized it was mostly side conversations brewing, as a circle in the corner was forming. Then others joined, then the rest joined, as mostly everyone was inched into a tiny circle in the corner. At an engagement party a few months ago, the same thing happened. Everyone in a circle, in chairs, on the floor, piled on the couch. No matter what, if its us, there is going to be a circle.

            What is profound about this is how hard we try to create meaning in lives. We host big events, make dinners, plan outings to see different places, take trips together, all sorts of things that are supposed to cause meaning. But, as much as we try to manage and manipulate the moment into something sacred, the most sacred is what happens when we aren’t trying. The sacred is what happens when we realize everything is sacred- and sitting in a circle telling stories, laughing at old stories, and walking through the joy and the hard of life is just as sacred as throwing a formal dinner party. If anything, it’s more.

            I am so thankful that we serve a God who decided to surround us with people who were dedicated to helping us see how important these friendships were and are. I am so thankful we know a God who has made circles around us, closely, weaving us into each other’s circles. I am so thankful that we all got thrown from the net into new circles, only to bring our circles together. I am the most thankful that the circle knows no end, that no matter the circumstance, the marriages, the international dreams, the law schools and the new jobs, our net won’t give up on the dream of the circle. And, with that, the long haul means doing it for eternity, and oh thank heavens there is no end to that circle either.

I just can't believe its about me.

            There comes a point where I have so much to say that I just don’t say it. That happens a lot actually, especially because I am “blessed” with the need to share every possible detail of every story that ever happens. That need, in and of itself, is enough to send me thanking Jesus that my friends and family are still around, as I usually take double the amount of time it would take to tell a story with an uncanny amount of details. That said- there are so many places I need to start scribbling down my life from these past three months. But, I’m trying to commit to shorter posts (thank you for reading my long winded posts in the past). So I’m going to try to sum up some major events in a few short blogs.

            With Easter just behind us, I’ll go ahead and attempt to fill you in on my heart. My heart is good. So, so good. Only good because Jesus is in it and His grace is immeasurably more than I ever deserve. This year has been just so sweet for my heart, and as we can never truly foresee what is down our paths, I could never ever foresee the growth I have experienced this year. Lucky for me, I’ve got a God who waits to do things in my life until the exact time I need it. Whether I like it or not, my control has nothing on His hands and the plans I make for myself or try to create really end up failing most of the time.

            At our all region Young Life conference this year (in street slang- #richmondwknd2k13) I found myself standing amongst 2,000 other Young Life leaders with mascara running to my chin and snot (sorry for the visuals) dropping to my shoes. The speaker, a YL staff person from NC, spent the whole weekend talking about re-joy. That we must re-find-joy in our lives to truly live under Gods mighty hand. That life without joy is nothing, and a life full of nothing is really quite empty. I don’t have a problem finding joy, typically. It is a gracious gift. Its something I’ve learn to choose- even when I don’t have to or really don’t want to- because this life is not my own and I never want to forget that. What I do have trouble with, however, is the immaculate gift of Jesus’ life and how he calls us to him.

You see, on the last morning, possibly due to lack of sleep and over stimulation, I found myself with the clenched heart, lump in throat, and tear glands on overdrive feeling. We were in a “so you want to go on Young Life staff” meeting and I was listening to words and advice I’ve now heard for the past 3 years in attending this meeting. But- Scott Hamilton, regional director for YL, reiterated the five words- “make sure you are called,” as he spoke to a room full of college students who were soon to be applying to YL staff. And that’s what set it off- the deep down feeling in my heart and soul that I am called. The fact alone that I am called to something- be it
Young Life or not- that He cares enough about me that He would make that clear, that’s enough to tug at my heart strings and let the tears begin. I tried to keep my cool, as the meeting was more on the professional side then the emotional side. But, I couldn’t help but ponder the weight the word called holds on my heart and mind. I just know we are all called in love- absolutely perfect love- to a path painted just for us.

Called as ever, I left that room wanting to quit school and go on staff right then and there. I walked into the big meeting room with all of my 2,000 other friends and got ready for the last session. The speaker got up to the front and started talking about the cross, the grace behind it, the forgiveness, willingness, and the joy Jesus took in taking away all the crap that separates us from God. Well, I’m not sure if those things are what the speaker said but that’s what I heard. I sat there, in utter disbelief that this was about me. I mean, I’ve heard this a million times- I’ve told high school girls about it one on one, I’ve talked about it in front of a group of rowdy high school kids. I know the words, I know the spoiler alert- but what was so different about it this time? The difference lies in fact that a few moments before, I had the sinking realization of the depths of a personal call from the Creator of the universe himself. In that call, which is so clear, I have made it about myself. I try to make it about myself every day. My walk with Jesus- about myself. My role as a Young Life leader- about myself. My role as a friend to many- about myself. Even my prayer life- about myself. The list continues on… These seemingly failures came shooting through my racing head and for what may have been one of the first times, my guilt turned into gratitude. In the past, I would’ve felt guilty about making it about myself and tried to fix things with my own hand. But, because of what He has molded my heart to become in this past year, I felt immense gratitude- that despite my large list of failures, he still calls me to Him. Can I ever live out a big enough thank you for the gift on the cross? I found myself in line for communion thinking I don’t even deserve to eat the crumbs off the table yet He has fed me food that will sustain me for life. I returned to my seat in that “its not cute anymore” state of crying, restating the words inside my head I cant believe he did it for me. My heart, so weary and worn, was overflowing with gratitude because He did it for me, Katie Randazzo, even when I continue to make it about myself. That He would never in His right mind stop calling me to His path- despite how much I try to make my own paths.

Oh, how much will I learn about grace before moments like this melt me from the inside out! I know grace- I know what it did and what it does but in that moment I felt the depths of it. I am so thankful for the grace displayed on that cross, that He didn’t do anything out of his own longing, but all to fulfill exactly what needed to happen. Oh, how thankful I am that that grace flows- and man, does it flow- freely and lively, so when I screw up and make things about myself, grace catches my heart before guilt and hatred does. My God, I know He was up there smiling, knowing that I was meant to hear the words that speaker said and be in a room of 2,000 other Young Life leaders who are called through grace to be in this together. My heart will never be the same after that day- and now it is my hope that my heart will never be the same after each day. That I would have ears to hear and eyes to see, all because grace paved away and Someone called me to it. 

21 gifts of 2012

This last year of my life, had I been the master planner, would have looked a lot differently than it did. I didnt know most of the things that happened were going to happen, and I couldn't have predicted the tremendous amount of growth I experienced. You see, thats why its not up to me. I could've painted the last year of my life with the best colors in my book, but it still doesn't even compare to what the real Painter paints when it is up to Him and not me. He showed me what His plan is like when I just sit back and let it unfold. At times, it wasnt the plan I would've chosen, but it was better in the end. I learned one huge lesson this year that I hope will play out in every next year of my life: the act of gratitude. I realized, through many circumstances, conversations, and a life-changing book, that gratitude makes everything enough, and the littlest things become huge gifts from a Father who knows and loves me immeasurably more than I know and love Him. In sequence with that theme, I must count my blessings over and over again. I am blown away by the gifts of this year, and looking through my obnoxious amount of pictures from all of 2012, it is hard to even narrow down the gifts to a few specific blessings. Bear with me as I try to recount the gifts and highlight a few.


1. I brought this year in with a huge gift. About 200 of my closest friends were in and out of my house last year on new years eve. I felt extremley loved and honored that people traveled, arranged, and showed up at my house to bring in a year of blessing with me.

Just a few of the many who rang in 2012 with me.

2. I learned a lot about celebrating people this year. That people are meant to be celebrated. We were created to be loved and to love and that means celebrating even the littlest things. I felt so celebrated and especially by friends who know me best. I am so blessed to be in a place where I am known and celebrated by people alongside me.

Celebrating Mary Dittmar day, 2012. 

3. People showed up. A lot. The beginning of this year was hard for me. Life isn't always easy even with a big and powerful God on your side. So many of my friends walked through dark and the light times with me. I am so thankful for the faithfulness I have experienced through friendships centered around the grace of Jesus. I could write a whole blog on everyone who showed up in the last year for me, but there would not be enough time to do it justice. 

Thankful for you, Karly, and how you 

have been my fan and showed up faithfully.

4. 2012 was home to sweet reunions  I am so thankful that people are put in my life for seasons but I am able to see them throughout difference seasons. Being a part of Young Life makes the world very small and connected, making these reunions simple and easy to come across. Blessed to see many friends from my summer staff in 2011 throughout 2012.

Summer staff of June 2011, 

you people will forever be a gift.

5. Speaking of renuions- what better way to reunite than at a baby shower! My sweet Young Life leader had a baby this year and that was one of the coolest things for me to experience. I saw her and her husband meet, fall in love, get married, and now there is another little human being who is half of Robert and half of Kristy. I was so touched and honored to meet this baby boy only hours after he was born, and to walk with Kristy through the thick and thin of welcoming another love into this world. I am encouraged that I still have great friendships with my Young Life leader and friends made in my high school club.

This woman has impacted so many lives

 and now she gets to be a real mom!

6. I lived on a hall with my best friends. I mean, how cool is that? Every time I think of the "flourth" I cant help but be amazed by the gift that it was. I expereicnced true community in the last year, and espescially on this hall with my friends. I was so blessed to have a built in family during the rollercoaster that is sophomore year of college. Walking through life with these brothers and sisters is something I never want to take for granted.

Whole flourth not pictured. 

I love these people and the life we share.

7. People let me tell you about my beeeessstt friends. These girls. Now known as the BGC, these friends are people who showed up constantly in 2012. Wrestling through a plan that is unexpected and not our own with these girls has been incredible. We have crossed paths for a divine reason and the way we do life together is nothing but a gift. I am so thankful to live with girls who know me, know each other and know the Lord. 

Thank you for always making me feel incredibly known, girls. 

8. Family. Duh. This year was home to some hilarious times with my little family. I am so blessed to come from people who love and support me, who love traditions, and who value laughter and love.

9. Sometimes when I think about it I still cannot believe I am a Young Life leader. This is the hardest, best, most rewarding, most draining, most suiting, most full call from the Lord I have ever had the opprotunity to answer. This last year was a roller coaster indeed, but I have never felt more blessed to be in the lives of high schoolers alongside this team. 

Thank you, team Tabb, for showing grace to me 

and to high schoolers with the ferver that you do.

10. A summer of simplicity. Probably one of the coolest lessons I could learn. I had huge plans for this summer, extravagant plans of doing big things with big names. However, God called me back to Arlington to be a nanny and well, as un-extravagant as that sounds, it was exactly what I needed. Duh, He knows me. Not many of my friends were home and I spent more time alone or sleeping than I have in the past 4 years of my life combined. The sweetest thing about slowing down was realizing that life is meant to be lived simply, simply lived. This summer I threw off many shackles that so easily entangle my life, and realized how basic and sweet my path could be.

Cheers to nights on the porch, 

a new found love for tea, and feet up on the table.

11. We all know that this girl loves being a Young Life leader. One of the sweetest parts of that call is a trip to summer camp. This week is prayerfully looked towards the whole year and it is one of the best weeks of my lives every time I go. This week in particular was nothing less than spectacular  Incredible conversations, laughter, and a great picture of the full-life we were all intended to live made this week with these girls a week that changed my heart forever. I am so blessed to walk through life with girls like these and because of this week, things will never be the same. 

You are loved far more than you will ever know, sweet girls.

12. Remember how I just talked about opportunities? This girl- the girl who loves comfort and staying still- was given chances to take huge risks. What is life without risk? Pretty boring. I've experienced a risk-less life and unless we step out of the boat, we will not learn how to lean on the Creator of risk. Its a risk in and of itself to give authority to an unseen God, and that is the best risk I was given to take. I am so thankful for the gift of risk this year, the gifts that came from risk, and the risks that came from gifts. Just a small little risk was a sweet adventure to West Virginia that resulted in some stories that will be told at weddings, I am sure.

Blessed to have friends to risk life with me.

13. The gift of a call- a phone call- from a family who just needed a part-time nanny. How I had no idea that these girls would change my life. It was such a gift to be a nanny this summer of 2012. I was so blessed to go through life with these two girls created for a joyful life. I learned so much by walking... or running... alongside these energy filled 6 and 10 year old girls, who were strangers in May and family in August. Thank you for an incredible job, Lewis family!

You are so loved and made for so much more. 

14. For the last three years a huge gift has been a trip to Little Gasperilla Island with dear friends. I have written many blog posts about this island, and it deserves many more. This island is a home of sorts- a home to rest, and a trip to the big house at the end of the island came at perfect time this year. I got to experience this piece of heaven with sisters who mean the world and more to me, and I got to meet new  friends-of-friends who love and care for my sweet sister-friends when I am not around. The Creator created this island so we could do nothing but run to Him while we are there, and that is exactly what we did.

I think heaven will look like this, with my beloved sisters by 

my side walking into the forever-sunset.

15. Many dear friends of mine got married in 2012. Three couples to be exact. This year was home to the first weddings of my friends, the first of many I hope! What a gift it was to me to see three testimonies to the Lords faithfulness in my friends life. I cant help but be joyful for the love in the bride-and-grooms eyes a the alter, and the sweat dropped on the dance floor after. 

Incredibly blessed to watch Sean and Emily fall in love this past year.

16. These friends. Oh, these friends. This new school year in the fall of 2012 started off on the right foot with many late nights of joy and long meaningful conversations. What a gift during that first week to have our new living room filled with friends who walk through life together, the good and bad, all in hopes of pointing each other towards the ultimate truth. I am so blessed to have people who know and get me!

I will choose sitting around a living room with these friends over anything. 

17. New freshmen at CNU. You know who you are. This room was the first freshmen fellowship of fall 2012 and my heart just jumps to think about all the new leaders that this class will bring out. Although our numbers dwindled down, the joy did not. I have experienced so much of the Fathers faithfulness through the freshman this year, and I am so thankful to have met new sisters and brothers to be a part of this sweet sweet CNU family. 

The next room of heroes.

18. I dont mean to be obsessed with being a Young Life leader or anything but... I am obsessed with being a Young Life leader. This year was home to so many rich friendships with high school girls, I can see them as nothing but an undeserved gift from a God who loves me and loves them more than they will ever know. These girls below are just a few of the girls I have gotten to walk with more and more in the last year. My life is so much fuller because of these friendships. I am so blessed to be their leader and friend. 

Thank you for letting me walk beside you girls. 

19. More and more adventures. I cant not write about the hurrication! Being evacuated is not convient but it is home to some of my favorite memories of college. I am so blessed that the Lord knows when we need memories and gives us opportunities to make those. I loved the week I got to spend with these girls (and more!) laughing and living and realizing how out of control of this world we really are.

May I never forget #hurrication2k12 

20. Speaking of not planning my year, I could have never envisioned or planned crossing this finish line! It was just a far off dream that became reality in 2012, as I trained, pushed, sweated, and endured the accomplishment that is a 13.1 mile race. This was one of the richest times of my life, where I experienced much celebration and encouragement from those around me. I wanted to race this race because I was sick of sitting around waiting for the right time to do things I wanted to do. This race taught me that goals can be easily met when you've got a big Friend on your side through it all.

Crossing that finish line was one of the biggest exhales of my life. 

21. This night. These people. This life. Just always a gift. As I wrote about in my last blog, this night was clearly a gift for the books. I was surrounded by so many people who have seen me through it all. So many people who are beautiful inside and out. So many joyful voices chattered at the dinner tables as we celebrated another year of life together and the gift of Christmas- that one birth changed all our lives and let us meet each other  This past year was a year of gifts, and my net is always a gift. I am so blessed to call so many of these brothers and sisters friends for so long. So blessed that I get to come home to insane community and so blessed that as we grow up and in some ways a part, we have a God who calls us together, may it be only once a year, to remember where we came from and how this home is not our real Home. 

Ya'll have brightened my life for so many years now, 

you are each a gift to me.

I mean, that does not even give this last year justice. This year I realized how life is just a series of gifts that we dont deserve, promises that are always met, and full of people who leave footprints on our life forever. I realized that life and life with Jesus is not as complicated as we make it, and its actually quite simple- to act justly, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. My God showed me how to walk alright- or should I say dance- and how to do it in a way I was least expecting, only to rely on Someone who was not myself or the friends around me. 2012 was a year of blessing to say the least, a roller coaster with a mighty random track, all coming together to harmonize into one big melody that I never wish to forget. I know I say it a lot, but I am so blessed God chose me to live the life I get to live. My only hope for 2013 is that I will not throw off the glasses of gratitude I was taught how to use, and that I will only walk closer with my Creator, love the created better, and take more and more risks. I cannot wait to see another song played out and another year of my life fearfully and wonderfully planned by a God who knows I love dancing with Him.