Rely (on Me) for Life

Everytime I think about last night I get flush and teary eyed. Warm feelings of comfort and purpose flood my body as gosebumps start to rise. Its that feeling where you realize that you were part of something big and real and new. A feeling and memory that I know won’t disappear as soon as something bigger happens, no, this one is sticking with me, or so I would hope.

Last night at school we had Relay for Life. We didn’t have this at my high school so it was all new and exciting for me. And if we’re being honest, to me it seemed like a big pep rally with purpose and the little student government girl in me got giddy at that thought. So, I was pretty pumped, fundraised a bit, which meant sending an email to my mom three days before because I forgot to send it sooner. I viewed the event as an awesome and fun way to raise money, but it pretty much stopped at that. I mean, not saying I wasn’t excited, I just wasn’t thinking that it would impact me, you know?

But boy oh boy, when will I learn that my God, He doesn’t put these things in my life not to mean something and impact me. He doesn’t give me big events and sleepless nights with friends for just “fun.” No, He’s going to show me something big at new things like this, and I’m going to be taken a back to realize how strong and miraculous he really is.

This year, at relay, I was given the divine privilege to walk beside my good friend Sarah. I met Sarah in the beginning of the year, because she was a #commnerd (Communications Studies Major) and was involved in YoungLife and my small group. We hit it off pretty quickly, and pretty quickly after that, she let me into her heart, her past, and her strength. I remember the day I realized how strong this girl was. One of the first days in my Public Speaking class, my teacher was talking about how he had lost his son to cancer and how you never knew what type of battle someone was fighting. Sarah raised her hand proudly and strongly and stated, “ I know where you’re coming from, I lost my mom to cancer five months ago.” What. No. Really? My heart broke for her, what type of pain she must be in, how she goes on after such an obstacle. I wanted to know how she did it. And, after sharing her story at small group, she made it pretty clear… she made it through with Christ and Christ alone. If I hear a stronger testimony than this girl’s, I’ll be wowed just the same. She said when time got rough, she turned to The Word. And when everyone didn’t know what to say, she spoke to the Lord. And when her world was turned upside down when she lost her mother, oh you better believe she knew it was all part of His plan. I can remember sobbing while she was telling this story,  as she sat there calm and collected. I was dumbfounded, her strength rocked my world.

So, when it came time to be at this school event that I was thinking would be another fun hang out, I was proven wrong. I knew I was there to walk with Sarah. And I was going to do it all through the night. My heart was fragile around her, an emotional roller coaster ride just hanging out. She wore a purple caregiver sash over her like many visitors there, except she had different people walking beside her. We prayed for her night with her, asking God to give her peace towards the loss, and thanking Him that we all get to be a part of this with her. And the praise did not stop there.

Then came the opening ceremony. It was announced that as you saw a reason why you were doing the Relay for Life that night come on the jumbo screen, you could get up and walk a lap in remembrance or honor of them. I tapped a couple girls shoulders, suggesting that we should walk it with Sarah. She stood up when it was time, and a handful of girls from this divine community stood up with her. We waited as she hugged Karly (who had shown her strong and powerful heart as well) and we walked, hand in hand, around the track.

And we walked slow, and tight, and we cried. We  cried for our friend Sarah, who has had to go through a nightmare of an experience that we couldn’t even grasp. We cried for her family, who lost the life of a light to this world. We cried with each other because we had the privilege to walk beside such a strong girl. Then, we got to the luminary that read “I’ll like you for always, I’ll love you forever, as long as your living, my mommy you’ll be” with Sarah’s mom’s name written on it. And we cried harder, and huddled around sweet Sarah Ann. We held her as tight as we could, and we held each other. We experienced the reality of this horrible disease called cancer that is killing people close to our heart. We held tight, as others walked around. Two students were on stage singing “It is well with my soul” and the rain had just started to fall, as if God was there with us weeping with us, too. We prayed over the bag, for Sarah’s heart again. We stood there for longer, letting the reality soak in as the rain soaked our jackets. We stepped back, breathed, and shared some laughs and hugs as we walked back to our seats. And, despite this horrible reality and event in Sarah’s life, it is well with her soul. So well that I cant comprehend it. So well that it could not be described as anything than divine strength from the God above.

I had to step back from the moment and PTL when I realized how this community of girls was made to help hold Sarah. Literally and figuratively, I know in my heart, that those girls who held Sarah so tightly last night were meant to be together, in each others story and in Sarah’s story to be a visible representation of how our Father holds us closer than ever when we suffer. That we are each other’s net in life, ready to help each other bounce back from times like those. The community at this school was so present that night. The fact that a ton of college kids were out to support this cause on a freezing, rainy Saturday night towards the end of the semester was uplifting. The intentionality behind conversation walking around the track was amazing. And the fact that this group of girls were so eager to walk with Sarah throughout this time was comforting.

And the notion flooded over me once again, that I am meant to be right where I am. And I was meant to go to Relay for Life on April 9^th and I was meant to walk beside Sarah during this time of strength and dependence. So, a few of us brave ones stayed up all 12 hours of Relay. I did it for my mom, who won against cancer in a record time, and for Sarah’s mom, who has had a huge impact on my story even though I have never met her. And for Sarah Ann, sweet sweet Sarah Ann, whose strength is of the big and beautiful God above, and whose life I hold close to mine. 

Rely (on Me) for Life

Everytime I think about last night I get flush and teary eyed. Warm feelings of comfort and purpose flood my body as gosebumps start to rise. Its that feeling where you realize that you were part of something big and real and new. A feeling and memory that I know won’t disappear as soon as something bigger happens, no, this one is sticking with me, or so I would hope.

Last night at school we had Relay for Life. We didn’t have this at my high school so it was all new and exciting for me. And if we’re being honest, to me it seemed like a big pep rally with purpose and the little student government girl in me got giddy at that thought. So, I was pretty pumped, fundraised a bit, which meant sending an email to my mom three days before because I forgot to send it sooner. I viewed the event as an awesome and fun way to raise money, but it pretty much stopped at that. I mean, not saying I wasn’t excited, I just wasn’t thinking that it would impact me, you know?

But boy oh boy, when will I learn that my God, He doesn’t put these things in my life not to mean something and impact me. He doesn’t give me big events and sleepless nights with friends for just “fun.” No, He’s going to show me something big at new things like this, and I’m going to be taken a back to realize how strong and miraculous he really is.

This year, at relay, I was given the divine privilege to walk beside my good friend Sarah. I met Sarah in the beginning of the year, because she was a #commnerd (Communications Studies Major) and was involved in YoungLife and my small group. We hit it off pretty quickly, and pretty quickly after that, she let me into her heart, her past, and her strength. I remember the day I realized how strong this girl was. One of the first days in my Public Speaking class, my teacher was talking about how he had lost his son to cancer and how you never knew what type of battle someone was fighting. Sarah raised her hand proudly and strongly and stated, “ I know where you’re coming from, I lost my mom to cancer five months ago.” What. No. Really? My heart broke for her, what type of pain she must be in, how she goes on after such an obstacle. I wanted to know how she did it. And, after sharing her story at small group, she made it pretty clear… she made it through with Christ and Christ alone. If I hear a stronger testimony than this girl’s, I’ll be wowed just the same. She said when time got rough, she turned to The Word. And when everyone didn’t know what to say, she spoke to the Lord. And when her world was turned upside down when she lost her mother, oh you better believe she knew it was all part of His plan. I can remember sobbing while she was telling this story,  as she sat there calm and collected. I was dumbfounded, her strength rocked my world.

So, when it came time to be at this school event that I was thinking would be another fun hang out, I was proven wrong. I knew I was there to walk with Sarah. And I was going to do it all through the night. My heart was fragile around her, an emotional roller coaster ride just hanging out. She wore a purple caregiver sash over her like many visitors there, except she had different people walking beside her. We prayed for her night with her, asking God to give her peace towards the loss, and thanking Him that we all get to be a part of this with her. And the praise did not stop there.

Then came the opening ceremony. It was announced that as you saw a reason why you were doing the Relay for Life that night come on the jumbo screen, you could get up and walk a lap in remembrance or honor of them. I tapped a couple girls shoulders, suggesting that we should walk it with Sarah. She stood up when it was time, and a handful of girls from this divine community stood up with her. We waited as she hugged Karly (who had shown her strong and powerful heart as well) and we walked, hand in hand, around the track.

And we walked slow, and tight, and we cried. We  cried for our friend Sarah, who has had to go through a nightmare of an experience that we couldn’t even grasp. We cried for her family, who lost the life of a light to this world. We cried with each other because we had the privilege to walk beside such a strong girl. Then, we got to the luminary that read “I’ll like you for always, I’ll love you forever, as long as your living, my mommy you’ll be” with Sarah’s mom’s name written on it. And we cried harder, and huddled around sweet Sarah Ann. We held her as tight as we could, and we held each other. We experienced the reality of this horrible disease called cancer that is killing people close to our heart. We held tight, as others walked around. Two students were on stage singing “It is well with my soul” and the rain had just started to fall, as if God was there with us weeping with us, too. We prayed over the bag, for Sarah’s heart again. We stood there for longer, letting the reality soak in as the rain soaked our jackets. We stepped back, breathed, and shared some laughs and hugs as we walked back to our seats. And, despite this horrible reality and event in Sarah’s life, it is well with her soul. So well that I cant comprehend it. So well that it could not be described as anything than divine strength from the God above.

I had to step back from the moment and PTL when I realized how this community of girls was made to help hold Sarah. Literally and figuratively, I know in my heart, that those girls who held Sarah so tightly last night were meant to be together, in each others story and in Sarah’s story to be a visible representation of how our Father holds us closer than ever when we suffer. That we are each other’s net in life, ready to help each other bounce back from times like those. The community at this school was so present that night. The fact that a ton of college kids were out to support this cause on a freezing, rainy Saturday night towards the end of the semester was uplifting. The intentionality behind conversation walking around the track was amazing. And the fact that this group of girls were so eager to walk with Sarah throughout this time was comforting.

And the notion flooded over me once again, that I am meant to be right where I am. And I was meant to go to Relay for Life on April 9^th and I was meant to walk beside Sarah during this time of strength and dependence. So, a few of us brave ones stayed up all 12 hours of Relay. I did it for my mom, who won against cancer in a record time, and for Sarah’s mom, who has had a huge impact on my story even though I have never met her. And for Sarah Ann, sweet sweet Sarah Ann, whose strength is of the big and beautiful God above, and whose life I hold close to mine. 

While I'm Waiting

So, as much as time was going slowly while it was happening, I still don’t know where those two weeks went. Well, I mean, I do, but its just crazy to see 14 days gone in such a quick way. I guess its because I am in it now. I am in that part of my life that I slowed down time to ponder over for so long. The part of my life I tried to paint perfectly in my head, the part I decided to white-wash over and choose a different path, that part where God said “no ma’am” and changed the colors on my picture so that it was a color scheme that was good and pleasing to both Him and I.

I’ve never had to wait for something so patiently in my whole life. I wasn’t even this eager to get into the school of my dreams (mostly because I knew it was unrealistic) or this eager to graduate from high school or even this eager to come here, to CNU, to crack open that new chapter of my story. Nope, none of those waits compare to this wait. The wait of what seemed like a century but in reality was actually around 8 months, plus the two years since I decided that this is what was worth waiting for in this world.

July of 2009 is when I decided to start waiting. It was on a hot summer afternoon at Windy Gap when God overwhelmed me with the news that I was made for this and this is what He wants me to do. What is this you ask? This is YoungLife. This is the organization turned my whole world around. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

I knew I wanted to lead coming into school. And if I am going to be frank, I really only looked at schools with solid YoungLife I could see myself in. The deciding factor in my head on why I should come here to CNU is because I got a quick little taste of their YL community and how it works, and my-oh-my how could I not want more than a taste of that sweet sweet thing for the next four years. I googled high schools in the area over the summer, seeing what the dynamics and logistics were. I dreamed of going to camp with a whole new area, having conversations with a whole new set of girls, seeing all new hearts and seeing them be cleared by the greatest Father any daughter could ask for.

And, that day, the day I anxiously awaited since that afternoon in North Carolina, that day oh it came, and it came slower than anything in this world yet. Once it hit, there was no turning back. I had nightmares, I made lists, I made worry-some phone calls, I typed eager texts, I walked through every scenario of where I could be placed because I had absolutely no idea and that scared me to death. Its not that I couldn’t have done well at any school with the strength and tools of the Lord, its just that I didn’t want to be disappointed or upset or anything like that when I finally found out what I had been waiting to find out.

5:30 came through slower than mud. I tried to do everything to distract myself from over thinking and fixating on the news about to come in at 5:30. I tried not to talk about it too much, but we all know, its very hard for Katie not to over think or over talk when she is excited or nervous. That’s just what I do, how I deal. So, 5:00 rolled around and the nervous shakes overwhelmed my body. A few phone calls came in right around 5:30 from some  friends who knew I was on edge and wanted to fool me. Then, the most important phonecall of all, the phonecall that would contain the name of the school I was placed at for the rest of college came in. And I took the news, and I ran with it. And I danced, and leaped, and cried and laughed, shocked at where Joe decided to place me, excited for the new opportunities at the school, and already in love with the team I would be working beside for the next four years.

I walked to the placement BBQ with Autumn, both of us just squealing with excitement that what we had been waiting for was finally here. This was here. And this was good. And this worked out just the way it was supposed to (and this probably could’ve been spared my over-analyzing anxiety freak outs). As we got to the house, my new teammates came running towards me and embraced me with screams and hugs, and I laughed with Joe when he told me that he knew where I was going all along, and my freaking-out-phone-call to him the day before was now amusing, and now all the pre-hype was gone, and now everyone had a place where they were meant to have a place.

So now I’m here, I’ve got what I had waited for for so long. I’ve got a school, with a building, with a student body, with sports teams and clubs, and heartbreak and love. And I’ve got a heart that God has planted this school in long ago, watering the seed that needs to grow in order for me to love this school and these kids like He would love them. And I’ve got a team along side me that has that same heart, and a community of other teams and friends who have the hearts that are meant to build me up and encourage me along this way. I’ve got the tools to do His work here, not because he needs me to, but because I have the privilege to, all because I’ve got Him on my side.

I was told to wait patiently for the Lord and it would be good. Although my waiting included some anxious I don’t want to wait anymore thoughts and emotions, I still waited. I waited for this new chapter to open, and the new, bright white, empty pages that I can see in this chapter are anxiously awaiting new stories and times in which I put my all in the One above and try to make a difference to His creation.