What gives me life.

This is blogpost number three. And by that I mean that I have started this same post three different times. The first time I started writing it, I was on fall break. Sitting in my house, luckily with nothing to do, but I couldn’t think of a coherent post to actually publish on the Internet. The second blogpost, I am going to be honest, I probably fell asleep during. I just couldn’t get my words out and eventually got stuck and gave up. So, I’m going to finish this one. I hope.

Last time I wrote, I had just gotten back from a crazy hurricane break. Tabb was just starting school, and things were just getting into a slight swing. Now, the semester is winding down, YoungLife at Tabb is in full throttle, and life is moving way, way, way too quickly. I could never sum up what has happened, what I’ve learned, and how I’ve grown in one blogpost. And that is completely my fault, not writing for two months. It was my intention to write on here constantly, but then life came. And if there is one thing I have learned, it is that when life comes- don’t step back and ignore it. I kept wanting to write that I am sorry that I’ve been such a bad blogger but, for lack of a better phrase, I am sorry I’m not sorry. Life came and it was bigger than my blog, and that is my only excuse for not being on here.

I’ve felt more life this year that I’ve ever felt. I don’t ever think of life as boring, and I don’t usually slump in misery for days. But I’ve been stumped this year with the amount of life I’ve felt. What the heck does she mean by life? Well, I’ll tell you. This year, in particular, I’ve realized what it is to live as if my life isn’t mine. And it took some hard realization to actually realize that this was a problem in my life. I found myself on anxious rants about how I didn’t want to do stuff that made me uncomfortable. How I couldn’t do everything because I needed time to relax. How I was content where I was and did not want to move. A realization left my anxious heart right in it’s confused heart when God made it clear that this life is not my own, it never was, and it never will be. I can hear that phrase over and over again and pump my fist that I get to live like that. But when on earth was I actually going to live like that? When my words became actions, that is when it all made sense. I’m in no means saying I live my life selflessly every day. In fact, I still live for myself everyday. But, there comes a time when everyone has to grow up, put their big girl pants on, and do stuff that’s going to exhaust them. We’ve all got to do the things that are going to be uncomfortable, things that will seem fruitless and dumb. We’re going to have to step out and step back to realize where we get life, and how to live in the most life-giving way.

What did this mean in terms of this year? Well, in a big way, this changed my perception on contact work. In the beginning of the year, it was extremely uncomfortable for me to go to the school. I raged that it was a waste of my time, that kids were already gone before I could even walk in the school, and that I didn’t have time to drive a total of 30 minutes just to wave at a kid whose name I may or may not remember. Then, a wise soul said to me, get over yourself and just do it. “You have to.” She said, when there is an option of going or not going, count not going out. At first, I was mildly angry that this was the truth. Angry because I knew I would have to stop being such a baby and just go to the school throughout the week, even if it meant I only saw one kid. Then, the you have to turned into a this is a freaking privilege, why wouldn’t you? I get the privilege of entering the halls of Tabb. I get the privilege of knowing and loving high school girls. This is not a task, or a volunteer service: this is life. That I may consider it a privilege that I get to help high schoolers understand where to actually find life. That is why I needed to get over myself. Why do I have to show up? Because showing up is the gospel. Above all, showing up is what is different about YoungLife leaders. We show up when others don’t, and we show up when friends don’t expect us to. That’s what makes us disciples of the ultimate truth: showing up with Jesus Christ in our hearts. By all means, I never did not want to go to the school to see and love my friends at Tabb. I just didn’t want to be asked the question “what are you doing here.” I didn’t want to be uncomfortable and possibly forget that girls name. I didn’t want to get looked at or make weird comments on accident to the new girl in the halls. But, where is the fruit in staying away from being uncomfortable? Answer: no where. I had to get over myself and realize that the only way I was  going to share Jesus inside those school walls is by showing up. And by showing up, I was going to be uncomfortable. For about a millisecond. Seriously, what was wrong with me! I was such a baby. I am called to be uncomfortable. God will carry me. How come I couldn’t see that truth? I was blind to it, but now I am not. And going to the highschool, meeting new girls, getting excited hugs from ones I already know, and even getting to explain that I am just there hanging out, it all brings me life. High school kids bring me life. They take it out of me, but in that I can be refilled even more, over and over again. They bring me life that I wouldn’t have gotten by just sitting around and waiting to meet people when the time wasn’t uncomfortable. I want to be present. I want to be real. I want to be different. And the only way I can do that in the high school is forgetting about myself, and walking in there with a heart of my Fathers.

You know what else is weird about this year? I get up every morning… early. Clearly something is changing in my heart if that last statement is true. This is coming from the girl who complained about having an 11am class last semester. All this is coming from the girl who used to plan her day around getting up late. Nope, not anymore. I rise while my apartment is still dark inside. I plug in my soft, white Christmas lights around my room. I make my bed. I turn on the shower (because it takes about 10 minutes to heat up) and I pop in a coffee pod into the keurug. I shower, get dressed, and usually listen to some worship tunes throughout it to get my heart set right. Then, the biggest gift of my day. Time alone with Jesus. Quiet, calm, personal time in the word where I am the only one around. I know, I should’ve made this way more of a habit before. I would attempt to read my bible every day last year, but usually after lunch or in a free break between classes. Never early, no way Jose. But now, I look forward to this part of my day more than anything. That I can win myself to Jesus first. That is what brings me life. That every morning fulfills the promise of bringing me new mercies and word of His unfailing love, that is what brings me life. Its my time, sometimes the only part of my crazy day that is just for me. And I’ve learned so much from it. I’ve seen changes in my heart that I didn’t even know needed to change. I’ve seen a difference when I don’t get into the word and when I do. My heart is protected from the negativity and evil of this world when I do this before anything. I am calm, I am focused. Again, I’m not perfect, but I get to follow a perfect God who, by having this time every morning, I get to gaze longingly at, wishing that He would perfect me to be more like His son. I love this time; it is literally what gives me life (with the assistant of the coffee I mentioned). I have found my life to be so much more giving when I have this time before anything else. Understanding the promises that God has for me that day, before anything in the day has happened, that is what brings me life. Taking wisdom and truth from the person who gave His life up for me to find life, that is what brings me life. And getting time, alone, before others awake, to journal out my struggles, excitements, prayers and fears: that is what brings me life. I have seen it with not only my own eyes but I have seen it with my heart. Time with to understand, know, talk to, and listen to Jesus is the only thing that will give me the life I am looking for in that day.

I am also learning how much life I can find by being present. I’m not exactly good at this yet, but it is something I am working on. On my 20^th (weird) birthday, I spent some time reading through my old notebook from last year. I was so torn only a year ago. Broken in many places and working through a painful part of my sanctification, I was longing to be somewhere else. And as much as remembering that pain breaks my heart again, it also creates a surpassing joy about where I am now. And where I am now is not necessarily just my state of content with being at CNU. Where I am now is where my heart is, how I’ve moved on and grown, and how I’m learning such different, bigger things only in a year. I’m learning how to be here, and I prayed for so long that I would understand how to be here. I never want to be completely content, because if I was completely content, my faith would be stagnant and my life would be still. But, I am learning how to be where I am, in my relationship with God and physically at CNU. I know I’ve written about it may a times before, but clearly it is clear that it is just a reoccurring theme in my story. I yearn to be available and not thinking about where I could be or what I could be doing. I want to be thinking about what is going on in the moment, not how I could be somewhere else or doing something else. I’m not the best at this, but I’m working on it. One way I can see this working out is that I’ve been able to stay at CNU and only go home for fall break. Last time I went home about five times first semester. This time? Twice. That is ludicrous for this homebody mamas girl, but it happened. And it has allowed me to be way more content with being present here. It has also allowed me to see that if God is going to change my location, He is going to  change my heart to be in that location. That my desires become His, and His desires become mine. I’ve been carried through that truth. I’ve learned what that means by being present. I’ve found so much more life by being completely where I am, spiritually and physically.

            I don’t even know if those made sense. It doesn’t even sum up my year so far, or do it justice. I guess that is the penalty I have to pay for not keeping my blog updated. But, I guess above all, this is what I want to say: It is my privilege to live my life. Nothing I am doing is being forced on me. Right now, I do not have to do anything that doesn’t give me life. I hope, for as long as I live, that last statement stays true. I am given life because someone else gave up His life for me. Someone planed my life out to be fruitful and giving, not dead and boring. Someone, my heavenly Father, knew I’d understand how to live a giving-life with Him, and knew that it would be quite the journey to get there. I don’t care what the journeys looked like right now. How many times I’ve thought I could find life doing other things. All I care about is that right now, in this present moment, I am experiencing the most life. Daily. And I can owe that all to the One above me, giving me the daily gift of a life with Him.