I just can't believe its about me.

            There comes a point where I have so much to say that I just don’t say it. That happens a lot actually, especially because I am “blessed” with the need to share every possible detail of every story that ever happens. That need, in and of itself, is enough to send me thanking Jesus that my friends and family are still around, as I usually take double the amount of time it would take to tell a story with an uncanny amount of details. That said- there are so many places I need to start scribbling down my life from these past three months. But, I’m trying to commit to shorter posts (thank you for reading my long winded posts in the past). So I’m going to try to sum up some major events in a few short blogs.

            With Easter just behind us, I’ll go ahead and attempt to fill you in on my heart. My heart is good. So, so good. Only good because Jesus is in it and His grace is immeasurably more than I ever deserve. This year has been just so sweet for my heart, and as we can never truly foresee what is down our paths, I could never ever foresee the growth I have experienced this year. Lucky for me, I’ve got a God who waits to do things in my life until the exact time I need it. Whether I like it or not, my control has nothing on His hands and the plans I make for myself or try to create really end up failing most of the time.

            At our all region Young Life conference this year (in street slang- #richmondwknd2k13) I found myself standing amongst 2,000 other Young Life leaders with mascara running to my chin and snot (sorry for the visuals) dropping to my shoes. The speaker, a YL staff person from NC, spent the whole weekend talking about re-joy. That we must re-find-joy in our lives to truly live under Gods mighty hand. That life without joy is nothing, and a life full of nothing is really quite empty. I don’t have a problem finding joy, typically. It is a gracious gift. Its something I’ve learn to choose- even when I don’t have to or really don’t want to- because this life is not my own and I never want to forget that. What I do have trouble with, however, is the immaculate gift of Jesus’ life and how he calls us to him.

You see, on the last morning, possibly due to lack of sleep and over stimulation, I found myself with the clenched heart, lump in throat, and tear glands on overdrive feeling. We were in a “so you want to go on Young Life staff” meeting and I was listening to words and advice I’ve now heard for the past 3 years in attending this meeting. But- Scott Hamilton, regional director for YL, reiterated the five words- “make sure you are called,” as he spoke to a room full of college students who were soon to be applying to YL staff. And that’s what set it off- the deep down feeling in my heart and soul that I am called. The fact alone that I am called to something- be it
Young Life or not- that He cares enough about me that He would make that clear, that’s enough to tug at my heart strings and let the tears begin. I tried to keep my cool, as the meeting was more on the professional side then the emotional side. But, I couldn’t help but ponder the weight the word called holds on my heart and mind. I just know we are all called in love- absolutely perfect love- to a path painted just for us.

Called as ever, I left that room wanting to quit school and go on staff right then and there. I walked into the big meeting room with all of my 2,000 other friends and got ready for the last session. The speaker got up to the front and started talking about the cross, the grace behind it, the forgiveness, willingness, and the joy Jesus took in taking away all the crap that separates us from God. Well, I’m not sure if those things are what the speaker said but that’s what I heard. I sat there, in utter disbelief that this was about me. I mean, I’ve heard this a million times- I’ve told high school girls about it one on one, I’ve talked about it in front of a group of rowdy high school kids. I know the words, I know the spoiler alert- but what was so different about it this time? The difference lies in fact that a few moments before, I had the sinking realization of the depths of a personal call from the Creator of the universe himself. In that call, which is so clear, I have made it about myself. I try to make it about myself every day. My walk with Jesus- about myself. My role as a Young Life leader- about myself. My role as a friend to many- about myself. Even my prayer life- about myself. The list continues on… These seemingly failures came shooting through my racing head and for what may have been one of the first times, my guilt turned into gratitude. In the past, I would’ve felt guilty about making it about myself and tried to fix things with my own hand. But, because of what He has molded my heart to become in this past year, I felt immense gratitude- that despite my large list of failures, he still calls me to Him. Can I ever live out a big enough thank you for the gift on the cross? I found myself in line for communion thinking I don’t even deserve to eat the crumbs off the table yet He has fed me food that will sustain me for life. I returned to my seat in that “its not cute anymore” state of crying, restating the words inside my head I cant believe he did it for me. My heart, so weary and worn, was overflowing with gratitude because He did it for me, Katie Randazzo, even when I continue to make it about myself. That He would never in His right mind stop calling me to His path- despite how much I try to make my own paths.

Oh, how much will I learn about grace before moments like this melt me from the inside out! I know grace- I know what it did and what it does but in that moment I felt the depths of it. I am so thankful for the grace displayed on that cross, that He didn’t do anything out of his own longing, but all to fulfill exactly what needed to happen. Oh, how thankful I am that that grace flows- and man, does it flow- freely and lively, so when I screw up and make things about myself, grace catches my heart before guilt and hatred does. My God, I know He was up there smiling, knowing that I was meant to hear the words that speaker said and be in a room of 2,000 other Young Life leaders who are called through grace to be in this together. My heart will never be the same after that day- and now it is my hope that my heart will never be the same after each day. That I would have ears to hear and eyes to see, all because grace paved away and Someone called me to it.